I am human, I’m fallible, I’m imperfect and I’m quite ok with that…

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism.
— David M. Burns”

The husband of one of my best friends is a PhD in psychology who has studied perfectionism for a very long time. The irony is, despite the fact that I had him near me to have a conversation about his research every day when we lived on campus residence, I never really paid much attention to what he was studying, even though I am a perfectionist myself, in spite of the fact that I come from a family of overachievers who are very much perfectionists themselves, and despite the reality that I sometimes have found myself self-berating for not achieving some sort of semi-impossible perfect standard. While never paid much attention to it, I did find it fascinating that psychologists would be interested in understanding perfectionism.

I KNOW I’M A PERFECTIONIST. I always have been. I really sometimes don’t know why, but I know I am. I like things well done, and sometimes I have a hard time when I fail. This is not news to me. But I am far from perfect. I am quite imperfect. I am fallible. And I’m quite ok with that.

I’m ok with it now.

Before, I would continue to self-flagellate until I achieved some sort of inner peace. I would work twice, three times as hard. But lately I have come to the realization again that perfection is not the goal. Success is what I strive for. I want to be successful, not perfect.

Recently, I realized that I put an inordinate amount of pressure on myself, on doing too many things for too many people. I’m quite successful at completing multiple projects, but sometimes things slip. Blogging is one of them. This weekend, I realized that I hadn’t blogged about some events, theatre shows, etc. Even after the fact that now 2 interns collaborate with me, sometimes that’s not even enough and I have to say NO, SORRY, CAN’T DO IT to way too many pitches I receive. I’ve dropped the ball in more than one case, and while this is improving with having Anabelle and Jessica to give me a hand, sometimes things slip through the cracks.

AND I FEEL HORRIBLE.

BUT THAT’S OK.

Because my income doesn’t depend on it. My livelihood doesn’t depend on it. If I can’t blog about something, well… I can’t blog about something, period. If sometimes I drop the ball and a post is published after the point where it’s useful (or it is not published at all) that’s my call to make, and it’s my right to NOT be perfect. I feel awful when something with my contests goes awry (as it did this weekend), particularly because I feel that it reflects poorly on me and my work ethic. And I hold myself to really high standards.

But the truth is that, long as I continue to give my clients, my students and my colleagues my best, I don’t see why I need to be perfect, an overachiever, or do everything. I’m a human. And I’m quite ok with being a human, and with not being perfect.