It does get better… with a strong support network
Monday evening, right after I finished teaching my Environmental Politics and Policy class, I stayed behind in the classroom to check the news. I have been so busy I haven’t had enough time to really follow what’s happening in the world. I came across the news of the suicide of a gay teen who studied at Rutgers University, Tyler Clementi. The more I dug into the story, the more my blood boiled. I felt outraged.
Bullying is wrong in all its forms, and while it’s easy to blame cyberbullying on social media as an enabling agent, online technologies aren’t to blame: it’s society at large and its corrupt behavioral norms.
As I walked towards the bus stop, tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I pondered if my students would see me shedding tears and what they would think. But then I reflected on the reason why I felt so sad: young kids’ lives cut short, because they couldn’t cope with societal pressure and bullying. What are we doing to help them?
I called my Mom when I got home and told her about the story. Her heart broke too. I was relentlessly bullied in an all-male grade school (that’s why I had to learn martial arts). I told her “that could have been me, 15 years ago” and then she said “but you weren’t”. I thought to myself – what, exactly, helped me survive grade-school bullying? And I realized that it had never been my friends. My “friends” sided with my bullies. My brothers, on the other hand, jumped to protect me and never let anyone hurt me.
My parents were always there for me, and we were one strong family unit. I never had the support from my secondary school, nor from teachers, nor from counsellors. It was my family.
I have considered whether to develop an “It Gets Better” video (as per Dan Savage’s campaign), but I have been pondering whether it actually accomplishes anything. Because the truth is, I feel as though if I say “it does get better and I’m an example of it“, it will sound empty. What exactly does “it gets better” say? “I was strong and had the support network to survive, hopefully you do too?” … I am not sure.
All I can say is if there is any way in which I can help struggling kids who are being bullied, I hope I can find a way to help them. Because life does get better, and they should be alive to see it. My life is amazing, right now. And I was bullied when I was a kid, so in a way, I suppose I am an example of how it does get better. I still don’t know how to help…
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I’ve struggled with this too. I was also relentlessly bullied — verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually. I was gay bashed too, despite being straight, and so I now rise up any time I see homophobia in any form. People told me it would get better. And I held to this thought. Through years, in which my entire self was shattered.
Honestly, I think it would be far better if we told young people that (1) it gets better and (2) this crap is not your fault (3) there’s nothing wrong with you, and, here’s the important part, (4) here’s how you get rid of this crap now. I think that we need to rise up and give people solutions. Distance education, out of catchment transfers, online education, advanced placement, mentoring, support groups, forums, camps, social clubs, police support, foster care, etc.
This goes beyond just being gay. Bullying is abuse. We need to stop dumbing it down and making it sound like it’s not violence. We don’t ask people to stay in abusive marriages, but we tell these kids it gets better. But the thing is that they are already traumatized, experiencing ongoing trauma and the only hope we’re holding out is “hey, you’re going to have more traumas, but they will be less and less severe”. That’s like saying not to worry that the bridge is cracking and shaking, because you’re just dumping a tonne of feathers now instead of a tonne of bricks. A tonne is still a tonne. And when the foundation is already broken, even a single feather landing on it may be enough to bring the whole thing down.
So, yeah, it gets better. My life’s a whole lot better than it was then. But, OMG, what I went through was unbelievable and horrific.
People become suicidal when the ability to deal with pain is superceded by the pain. This actually means that, when things get better, a traumatized person’s resources may be so depleted that they cannot cope with the “better”. And they may be triggering past trauma, compounding even small upsets or traumas going forward.
That means we need to do something now. We need to stop the pain now. I think what Dan Savage is doing is admirable – hope can keep a suicidal person going. But we have a lot more to do.
As an example, when my kids stand by and watch someone getting bullied or beaten up, they’re in trouble too. They know that they are to tell a grown up immediately, to keep telling grown ups till someone helps, and to walk away from trouble — not to only walk away and certainly not to watch.
Er, not that being gay is “just being gay”. I hope that didn’t sound dismissive. It was not my intention.
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Thousands of years ago the Romans had massive orgies where sex was not an issue, men touched men, women touched women, feeling good was the root of the experience. I think humans are sexual by nature (obviously) and just recently in society (last couple hundred years) people have but titles on your sexual identity. I don’t think people are gay or straight, I just think people like to enjoy their bodies. I’m not a fan of titles or being small minded. If you are happy with what you are doing and are not hurting anyone else, then no one should (in theory) comment on what you choose to do. I think part of the reason why students have such a hard time being openly sexual is that small mindedness is bred into society at an early age. You have to be a certain career, starting a family is the only way to success, etc. We need a fundamental change in the way we educate our children from day 1. When I have a family with my wife I’m going to home school them and teach them the ways of the universe. To look at things from above and beyond what they appear to be, while also ensuring they get to spend time doing sports and having group activities so they grow their social skills. I was never a fan of grade school or high school either, I felt more connected with the teachers then the students because of the way I thought about things.
I love you for expressing yourself Raul, you wear your heart on your sleeve and I wish more people did that.