On being chipil and vulnerability

photo credit: parker yo!

I had a wonderful evening with a few friends of mine watching the opening ceremonies of the Vancouver/Whistler 2010 after a really heavy and tough week. I couldn’t wait for it to be Friday evening. As I made my way into Yaletown, I noticed that the Canada Line was moving fast despite the 3-6 minute wait in between trains. So, I figured that would be the case for when I came home. I was very wrong.

I had to walk from Yaletown to Mount Pleasant in the cold rain. It was not a pleasant walk. Nobody was helpful to me as I was asking whether the Cambie Bridge was open (with so many closures, I didn’t know). I had already been feeling a bit “chipil” (the Mexican word for moorish, gloomy, kind-of-sad-I-need-to-be-spoiled-pampered-or-at-least-cuddled). So, that feeling increased as I walked home. Moreover, the sad passing of the Georgian Luger really hit home with me. I also have been feeling a lot of negative energy around me so it was really a rough walk.

As I got home, I tweeted that I was feeling chipil and ZoeyJane suggested I needed a bath. I proceeded to get into the shower, kneel and sit letting the hot water fall on my face.

And then I cried.

I shed tears like I haven’t in a long, long, long time.
I cried for the young Georgian’s life lost.
I cried of happiness and warmth feeling welcome by Canada, my adoptive country.
I cried remembering the opening of the Pride House, which aims to highlight the invisibility of gay athletes.
I cried because despite my eternal feeling of being a citizen of the world, I miss my parents. I miss my Mom, I miss my Dad. I miss family life.
I cried because I felt ashamed and guilty.

I felt that I didn’t have the right to feel chipil when dear friends of mine are facing great afflictions and loss, when there is pain in the Downtown East Side, when there’s injustice in the world.

I felt that it was irresponsible of me to show myself vulnerable and behaving like a 10 year old. Because I felt chipil. Because I wanted my parents, right there and then. Right here, right now.

I am not someone who SEEKS the spotlight. I am someone who is COMFORTABLE in the spotlight. I am the same person you bump into on the street and ask “are you Hummingbird604?”.

I’m the same guy. The one and only. And yes, my sensitivity sometimes gets the best of me. And yes, sometimes I feel down (while I have to admit, rarely do I feel depressed).

And I have no problem showing vulnerability. But don’t mistake vulnerability for “easy-to-defeat”.

That, I never will.

I am a winner. I am loved, cared for. I have wonderful friends who go to extremes to try and be inclusive and loving and caring. I couldn’t have asked for better friends, nor for a better family. I am blessed, and it is my duty to put those blessings to the service of the world.

At least, that’s what I think.

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