Guest post: Lust for life, by Terra Atrill (aka ZoeyJane)
You want to know what I’m passionate about? Raul asked, so you get to find out, too. It’s not a thing that I can buy in a store, or a hobby, or a dream of fame. It’s a little more abstract and a lot less tangible.
I spent the majority of my life catering to others. A constant people-pleaser, I would do whatever was necessary to make the other person my universe was focused on happy. This meant that I was often, nearly always, really, unhappy. I was constant pursuing the goal of being better: a better girlfriend, daughter, student, employee. I woke up every morning with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t good enough and that I had to work harder to try to be even better than good enough.
Around my mid-twenties, I had an epiphany that came along with a breakdown. This light bulb moment spoke to me, expressing what I had always wanted but never really had: to be know what it was that I wanted and to wake up every morning, wanting to make myself happy.
I dropped the acts. I quit hiding behind common courtesies and the need to please. I was no longer interested in forming myself into some shape of what I thought people wanted me to be to them. I simply started listening to my own thoughts, wishes and dreams. I started planning my rebirth. I started to get to know who the person deep inside of me was – the one I’d never really let out before.
I’m still being born, half a decade later.
Because I’m no longer hell-bent on making others think I’m good enough, because I’m using my own measurement instead of others’ body language, praise or dismissal, I have become a new person. I’m no longer able to contain rage at injustice and I’m always speaking – often out of turn. I don’t have the self-censorship that I grew up with any longer, and so I’ve become known as someone who will at any time, and often too bluntly, tell it like it is.
I’m now honest, to the death, with everyone and myself. I’m free to wear pajamas in the middle of the day because it’s what I want to do, and you can often find me walking down the street with my daughter, singing out loud.
I grew up expecting to spend my life being the person that others thought I should, but now I’ve found a new passion: being me, whoever that may be today, regardless of who isn’t happy about it.
Want a bio? Here’s the standard one:
When she’s not rocking a one-woman, one-toddler mosh pit in her Vancouver living room, Terra blogs her angst out as Zoeyjane at Mommy is Moody, works from home as a freelance blogger and virtual assistant, and Tweets like it’s going out of style.
This is Entry # 2 of 49
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