Processing pain and loss

I have an extremely low threshold to process pain and loss. Particularly loss of life. I have never been able to properly process seeing my loved ones die. My method to process my pain and my losses is usually very complex. I like being left alone, on the one hand. But on the other hand, I seek the company of other friends and family to help me cope. I become extremely aggressive and lash out at any minor drama occurrence. And at the same time, I take a very zen approach, thinking about all the really important things in life, and meditating about the fact that nobody really gives a damn how many followers you have on Twitter, or whether you did not get invited to THIS or THAT media trip.

Sunset in English Bay (Vancouver, West End)

I visited a close friend of mine (his family and mine are friends since we were children, although there’s an age difference) in the hospital today. He had a heart attack and his brain shows no activity, from what I have been told. Barring any miracles, it is unlikely he is going to make it. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I did not get a chance to share with him one more meal, laugh at one more joke, or see him glow with pride when I would tell him I came back to competitive volleyball as a middle blocker (we both were competitive volleyball players).

It is in moments like this when I feel the duality that is who I am at its peak. On the one hand, I write (like I am writing this blog post) to process how I feel and to yell to the world how unfair I think it is that an otherwise healthy father of 4 children can be now bedridden and in an induced coma. On the other hand, I am here at my Mom’s alone, me and my laptop, pondering how I feel.

I feel so unbelievably ambivalent. I am two people in the body of one. I am an extrovert who loves being in the spotlight, and I am an introvert who enjoys deep thought and critical thinking. I want to cry and yell and at the same time, all I want to do is to curl up on my couch and shed tears. I feel so many conflicting and ambivalent emotions it’s hard to understand. All I know is that one more time, I am facing the hard, cruel truth: life as we know it on this planet is extremely ephemeral.

Cherish it. Love profoundly. Take risks. Forgive your enemies. Forge new bonds. Mend rifts.

And every single day of your life, make sure you tell the people you love that you love them.

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