On pain, loss and why I hate February 1st.

13 years ago this day (February 1st), my Aunt L passed away of lung cancer. I was at her bedside, as was my brother. Before then, I had never seen anyone die. Ever. Nothing prepares you for that experience. It remains, to this day, the most painful day of my entire life. I have lost so many family members and so many friends to cancer, yet February 1st remains imprinted in my storyline as the one day that I simply cannot fathom. It’s a painful reminder of the day I lost the woman who was like my second mother. If you know how close I am to my Mom, you can imagine how close I was to my Aunt L. Losing someone that you love THAT MUCH is incredibly painful.

Parksville's amazing weather

One of the reasons why I often regret not living in Mexico for as long as I have is because I have missed the opportunity to spend more time with those family members who are no longer with us. Sure, I have followed my dreams and tried to make them proud by succeeding in a foreign country, but the regret remains, and so do the painful memories.

One of the reasons why I support cancer-focused charities so strongly is because that way, I channel my energies, my anger, my pain and my loss towards something constructive. Yes, I hate cancer. Yes, I hate that it took from me the one person that was a second mother to me, the one who, without being her own child, treated me like her son, and focused in my growth and development almost as much as my own parents did. And beyond that, cancer has continued to take the lives of several of my loved ones, my Aunt M, my grandma, my friend Derek K. Miller, the list goes on.

The beginning of February, for these reasons, is always challenging to me. I’m not in a social mood, and yet I have several social commitments. If you see me grumpy or in a foul mood, I hope you understand why. February 1st is a reminder to me that the fight against cancer is not won yet.

Related posts:

  1. 2011 in review: A year of personal loss
  2. Why February 1st hurts so much
  3. Starting February with challenges
  4. The things I hate the most
  5. Mourning the loss of a loved one

Comments (6)

KimFebruary 1st, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Just wanted to lend my support. I’ve lost friends to cancer… it sucks. It just sucks.


Michelle ClausiusFebruary 1st, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Hearts to you Raul.

Skye DonaldFebruary 1st, 2012 at 4:24 pm


I met a man today that, while he was purchasing some chocolates that support the Breast Cancer Network, proudly proclaimed he was a breast cancer survivor. Two lovely ladies in my choir have been diagnosed and treated for breast cancer during my time with the group. Both are survivors. There is hope, and there are blessings, and because of those that work for cancer advocacy, fundraising (including people like you), and research, the prospects for those inflicted with cancer are improving.

I hope tonight’s production at the Arts Club lifts your spirits with some laughs. I’m praying for you.
Skye Donald recently posted..Warning: properly secure your goats at all times.

Jennelle DippelFebruary 2nd, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. It’s so painful to say goodbye… and so hard to decide whether to keep living your dreams or settle down and just love people. The dreams are so important though. Take care.
Jennelle Dippel recently posted..Being Okay with Being Happy

Martha33February 6th, 2012 at 5:37 am

Just always remember that failing is a challenge towards a great success, Believe your self more than others do.
Martha33 recently posted..Weird Sports

YnnaFebruary 19th, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I’m sad to read about your losses. Just be strong and i know you can surpass this test. Keep the faith Raul!
Ynna recently posted..Happy New Year To All Of You And Hope You Like The Aquarium Fish Photos Here …

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