On giving oneself permission to NOT be perfect

photo credit: gtall1

I grew up in a family of five brothers where all of us were hyper-competitive, all of us were really focused on our integrated goals (arts, science, sports and volunteering). I, as my brothers, am a bit of a perfectionist. I like my work to be perfect. I like to under-promise and over-deliver. But I also have been learning (slowly) to accept that I am only a human.

Last night, JT and I went to Lighthouse Park in West Vancouver. It’s a beautiful park with an amazing view and it holds really special memories for both of us. We wanted to make sure to hit it at least once this year. As we were hiking towards the view point, I mentioned that I felt that I no longer had my finger on the pulse of the bodies of literature that I had studied before.

I have done rigorous research on industrial clusters and competitiveness. I’ve created game-theoretical models of strategic alliances between biotechnology companies and pharmaceutical enterprises. I’ve done mathematical modeling of firm demographics and applied these models to understanding industrial restructuring. I’ve studied how environmental non-governmental organizations create transnational networks. But you know what I realized yesterday? I no longer know these fields to the extent I used to.

And the fact is, when I got out of graduate school, I basically signed on to a lifetime of projects that would encompass a broad variety of topics. And I can’t be an expert in all of those. So, using a bit of what I learned in Susanne Conrad’s workshop, I am now giving myself permission to NOT be an expert in transnational networks of environmental non-governmental organizations. I give myself permission to NOT know EVERY single new article published in the field.

And giving myself this permission to not be the stellar researcher who knows EVERYTHING is actually key, because it allows me to focus on the two or three fields that I think I’ll be working on for the rest of my academic career. Instead of continuously struggle to maintain my finger on the pulse of every field I’ve ever done research on, I’ll have students or collaborators who will explore those topics. I can guide them at the beginning with what I’ve already done and they can build upon my previous work.

I am slowly, but surely, learning to give myself permission to NOT be “on” all the time. To not have all the answers at all points. And it feels amazingly liberating.

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