I think it’s more about providing kids with age-appropriate information throughout their development rather than when to ‘have the talk’ – it really shouldn’t be a one-time, one-way communication anyway. Though I think my folks (like most others) rushed uncomfortably through one brief conversation when I was more than old enough to feel like I knew much more than my parents about the topic!!

Meg Hickling has a great book on the subject titled “The New Speaking of Sex: What Your Children Need to Know and When They Need to Know It” – as well as another one for 4-6 year olds about talking to kids about their bodies, where babies come from, etc. If we start talking about sex more openly from a younger age, then I think children would be more likely to feel that they had an askable, approachable parent.

Personally, I have no problems talking to people about sex – so long as they can keep an open mind and be mature about it. If a 13 year old came up to me and asked about sex without giggling or sounding snarky, I’d answer their questions as best I could.

I remember when I was in grade 4 or 5, learning about menses and what feminine hygiene products were actually for, and then later on in high school when they tried to scare us into thinking sex was scary and if you had it, you would catch something and possibly die. That’s not teaching what sex is – that’s just ensuring that we stay miserable, unhappy and in pain until someone else comes along and gives us permission to enjoy it.

So is there a right time? Sure. For me, it’d be when my kid starts getting curious and is mature about having questions answered (but if they’re like, six or seven, yeah that’s a bit young).

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I agree with Suji Moon. My plan, something that’s already being implemented, is to just provide as much information as is appropriate to my daughter’s developmental (and emotional) levels. Right now, it’s easy to say that animals mate and that’s how they make a baby, or that her dad and I wanted a daughter like her, so we made her. She doesn’t ask how, because she’s not…there yet. But when she does, it will be another conversation that fits her growth.

I think talking, being frank and open (and as I said, developmentally appropriate) can not only remove the taboo nature, but also foster a greater trust between her and I, and hopefully, responsibility when the time comes that she needs to be.

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I agree with Suji Moon as well. Sex is a part of life, why being so hush hush about it? I’m not a parent (probably won’t in a while) but providing as much information as is appropriate to kids is the right approach. It’s simply too weird to have “the talk” one day. If you own a pet it’d certainly be a lot easier to teach kids about mating.

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I have two children who are both in their teens now and I am an Early Childhood Educator. I live by a very simple rule which I learnt at a great forum on exactly this topic. Talk to them when they ask ~if they ask, they need an answer! But always keep it, as said before, age appropriate. And honest! Think about our society, we have ankle supports, knee supports and then we have “athletic” supports. We make up names for our genitals to hide our own discomfort but then we set our kids up to have to unlearn things. Babies do not grow in tummies! Men have tummies but can’t have babies. Our food goes into our tummies, wouldn’t it drop on a baby’s head if they were growing there? Children in the preschool years are very mechanical in their thinking, the question “where do babies come from” is very similar to “How does the fridge work?” and “why is the sky blue?” Keep it simple, honest and direct and you can’t go wrong! Elementary school age kids find anything about our bodies incredibly funny~ it’s all about the functions baby! Some would argue that this is where some get stuck in their sexual evolution (fart jokes ringing any bells?) but as kids get older obviously they become more sophisticated in their thinking and need loads more contextual information. The most challenging I think are the teens. They can appear to be so worldly and knowledgeable but can often have gaps in their information that you can drive a truck through, and it is those gaps that can cause a lot of grief. Belief in things like- you can’t get pregnant the first time, you can’t get pregnant if you do it in water etc. etc. so I think it is our job as parents to ask really specific questions about what they think they know, even if they cause a derogatory “Oh Mom!!”
I know that both of my kids know that they can talk to me about any subject and that they will get a straight answer. I think it has stood me in really good stead and I hope it has them as well!

I have always given age appropriate info to my daughter and have never had “the talk” as the information was always made available. Now that she is 12, however, it gets more complicated as her questions get more specific and are now followed with the dreaded “have YOU ever done that”. YIKES. That’s a tough one. When is it simply none of their business?? Too private???

Age appropriateness is important. Everyone seems pretty open to not having a set age. That said, there’s a risk management side of it, too. If a child doesn’t seem at the right stage to have a discussion about sex, but is at risk of some kind of STD/STI or pregnancy then there’s a simple must-have talk.

I think the real root of this question is how you foster an environment where you’re able to have a pro-active, mostly-comfortable talk when it’s appropriate and before it’s necessary.

Thanks for the comments, everyone. I am just a bit of an overprotective uncle (who, me… naaa). So your comments helped add perspective!

I’m a believer that there shouldn’t be The Talk as a one-time event. There should always be conversation. My son is 9 and reads a LOT. He asks questions, I answer, we converse. The most important thing, IMHO, is to never act surprised, disgusted or shameful at questions. As soon as you get the “Gasp! You’re not thinking about THAT, are you???” reaction, guaranteed communication is shut down. The next important thing, again IMHO, is to trickle the information, don’t go into a full-blown history lesson; sometimes what they are asking isn’t what you think they are asking – and they will ask more questions that guide you to the information they want. OK… mom mode off

I thought it was the right time when my 2.5-year-old asked. And I think every conversation we’ve ever had is part of The Talk.

Oh, and I meant to add…my doctor friend says babies do grow in tummies. She says that they do not grow in stomachs. In her medical opinion, a tummy is a particular space in your torso, not your stomach. Go figure.